Clergy Corner: For Pastors & Deacons
In marriage preparation, couples often expect to learn information.
What they may not expect is to learn how to listen.
Yet listening is one of the most important skills in married life.
Not simply hearing words, but listening with patience, curiosity, and respect.
Many conflicts in marriage are not caused by bad intentions. They grow from misunderstanding, defensiveness, assumptions, or feeling unheard.
Helping couples become better listeners is deeply pastoral work.
Listening builds trust
When a person feels genuinely heard, several important things happen:
- defensiveness lowers
- trust grows
- vulnerability becomes safer
- conflict becomes less threatening
- understanding increases
Healthy communication is not about winning arguments. It is about remaining connected while seeking understanding.
Why FOCCUS conversations matter
FOCCUS® encourages couples to slow down and listen to one another carefully.
The process creates space where couples can say:
- “I didn’t realize you felt that way.”
- “I’ve never heard that part of your experience before.”
- “Help me understand what you mean.”
Those moments often become turning points in preparation.
The role of clergy and facilitators
One of the simplest but most effective things clergy and facilitators can model is calm listening.
When couples experience:
- patience
- attentiveness
- respectful dialogue
- thoughtful questions
…they begin learning how to communicate in the same way with one another.
Often, the tone of marriage preparation teaches as much as the content itself.
A phrase worth encouraging
A simple sentence couples can practice is:
“Can you help me understand what you mean?”
That single phrase can redirect many conversations away from defensiveness and toward understanding.
A final encouragement
Marriage preparation is not only about discussing topics. It is about forming habits of communication that strengthen love over time.
Thank you for helping couples learn not only how to speak honestly, but how to listen generously.
— Rev. Michael Grewe
Director of Ministries, FOCCUS® Marriage Ministries